


Steven Moffat gets a visit by River

by Phillipe363



Category: Doctor Who & Related Fandoms, Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Breaking the Fourth Wall, Episode: s06e13 The Wedding of River Song, Gen, Humor, Parody, River Song Loves the Doctor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-20
Updated: 2020-01-20
Packaged: 2021-02-27 13:48:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,378
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22328107
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Phillipe363/pseuds/Phillipe363
Summary: Pretty much the title as fed up with the horrible writing involving her, along with The Doctor and her relationship River Song decides to pay the man responsible for all this a visit.
Relationships: The Doctor/River Song
Kudos: 9





	Steven Moffat gets a visit by River

**Hello guys**

**So, I got some issues with how River Song and The Doctor/River relationship was written in Doctor Who, so I decided to address them. In a sort of fun, break the fourth wall type of way like I've done for the Arrowverse.**

**On with the story**

* * *

In a BBC studio office

Steven Moffat is sitting at his desk working on the next plans for Doctor Who episodes for introducing River Song into the show when hearing what sounds like the TARDIS dematerializing outside. Mouth wide open and in partial joy, Moffat watches River Song comes bursting in through a door, with the blue police box outside.

"So, Steven Moffat I've come to talk to you because well there are issues, I have with my character and ones for my relationship with The Doctor which need to be discussed" River explains.

"How are you even here without the walls of the universe being affected?" Steven asks.

"Oh that, one of the beings who exist outside of the normal dimensions has brought me here" River replies "Now down to business, you're working on the scripts that are going to introduce me into the show."

"Yes, and I'm uh guessing you're here because of that?" Steven inquires.

Nodding "First can you get rid of my Doctor stuff of he's not done yet because nobody is ever truly done until they die for real and frankly that's just insulting to every other Doctor, including him currently, who came before or will after," River says.

"Well that's not so bad," Steve says.

Smirking "Did you think that was all? Moving onto whispering The Doctor's name in his ear is well various people easily thought that meant he only told me his name when The Doctor was going to marry me. Kind of makes it a question of did The Doctor marry me because he actually loved me or because he had to keep the timelines from having a paradox" River says.

Wincing Steven can grungily see the woman's point.

"Onto the biggest thing is well the episode called the Wedding of River Song is very bad for my character, not to mention The Doctor's to and shows how lacking of our entire relationship is," River says appalled "I've seen Judoon who is more pleasing to the eye over that black hole mess."

"What do you mean?" Steven asks not all that happy with somebody calling out his brilliant ideas.

"First you have me willing to put the entire universe and all of time itself in danger because I refuse to kill The Doctor going against everything the object of my affections stand for? Who by all rights should have just touched my wrists for resetting time and been done with me, and all that does is make me very unsympathetic person, especially since I don't even flinch or show any remorse at nobody, even my parents who are going to die because of my actions" River says in anger and disgust.

Steven goes to talk but is silenced with a stern look.

"Instead of me getting punished I get to marry The Doctor and go on to have various adventures with him of getting away scot-free for putting the universe in danger besides a quick yelling from the Doctor. Meanwhile, the Doctor upon losing Clara went off his rocker for endangering creation while getting called out by multiple people, faced consequences for his actions by losing his memories. Okay fine gained them back but that was later down the road but when you removed The Doctor of his memories involving Clara you intended it to be permanent since you were thinking of leaving after season 9" River says.

"What's your point?" Steven asks harshly.

"I guess you have two different standards for men and women characters. Moving on you have made The Doctor and my relationship is all flash but no substance. Beyond just us flirting there is no depth, nothing to prove why we would fall in love with each other. Yes, we save each other, and I die for him, but The Doctor and Master have saved each other throughout their lives only to remain enemies. My parents got a more fleshed out relationship on the show with quiet movements, The Doctor with various companions like Ace, Romana, Rose Tyler, Clara, Martha Jones and so forth" River says.

"They had more time and I showed plenty of reasons for your romance with The Doctor," Steven says.

"I had nine episodes, you couldn't sell a believable romance with The Doctor and me in nine episodes? Some talented writer you are. You tended to tell a lot more then you showed with leaving it up the audience to fill in the blanks. Like, have me in Wedding of River Song episode say I love The Doctor more than anyone else, yet have shown from my perspective the only time I encountered him was trying to kill him, with kissing him while giving The Doctor all my remaining regenerations. There's no setup and my back story? Creates some issues you never addressed" River says.

"Really, what do you have about trashing my work now," Steven says.

"You have me brainwashed from a child to kill The Doctor with deciding not to kill him, then a 180 out of nowhere by the following episode have me madly in love with The Doctor with absolutely. Zero. Set. Up! Or well the not pretty set up is I changed my brainwashing into loving the Doctor instead making me a nut job stalker so it's all just a toxic, deranged love. You royally screwed us both over" River replies in disgust then adds wryly "Good going, Moffat."

"Your welcome. I don't see why any of this needs to be changed, I think it sounds great" Steven says happily.

Letting out a sigh River shakes her head "You know while my origin as a child of Rory and Amy being the two Doctor's companions with a partial child of the TARDIS, is okay, I guess. Like why not have me as a regeneration of Romana as a way to bring Ramona back into the new series. Could even have me survive the library too if going that route, I mean it's not like you're not bringing the Time Lords all back in that 50th special you'll do one day. Have me as just some Time Lord who survived the war, or something, so many options."

Rubbing his temples "This is all making my head hurt since it's too complicated" Steven replies.

"Of course, logical reasoning makes your head hurt but having overly complicated, non-sense taken right out Chris Carter's handbook who dragged the fans along for years building up an ever-increasing mystery greater on X Files while having zero plans of any solid answers. That's not great writing Moffat, it's totally lazy garbage" River says.

Shrugs "I don't really care what you or my haters think, goes for your outside realm being who brought me here to," Steven says.

"Oh, one last thing despite knowing your probably not going to listen to is my final episode for the Husbands of River Song? Having me not blink twice on willing to commit murder and showing absolutely zero remorse for going to cut open the King's head regardless of him as a crazy homicidal, dictator is just wrong. Especially as an ally, and worse as The Doctor's wife because The Doctor who despite being a person who killed a lot of people, is not somebody like me in that episode" River points out.

"Like I said I don't care" Steven replies.

"My character could have been done a lot better, The Doctor and my relationship could have been a well-told romance that added some real depth to us, the show, etc. instead of the mess we got instead. The actors in your shows across the board deserved better. Goodbye Moffat" River says.

Rising to her feet River leaves the room as the door closes behind her and the sounds of the TARDIS dematerializing begins.

* * *

**Hope you all enjoyed that and leave a review letting me know what you think if you want.**

**For haters I'll just ignore you so really, you're just wasting your breath.**

**Until next time**


End file.
